Glamorous newly weds Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were controversially refused when they queued up outside Limerick hot spot the Gappy Geerbox at the weekend.
Kanye was asked to empty his pockets, and in the absence of any kind of a weapon he was told to choose form a selection of the house knives provided.
The owner of the Gappy G, as it’s known locally, explained, “If you turn up at a golf club without a tie, they give you one to put on. Well it’s the same class of a carry on here. We’ve a reputation to think of.”
Kim and Kanye, who are honeymooning in the West of Ireland had already run into trouble earlier that evening, when they’d been enjoying a quick drink at the Jimmy Dog. Kanye had asked for Crystal, only to be told that it was her night off, but that Dolores here would look after him instead. This though was said with so many theatrical winks, raised eyebrows and air nudges, that an enraged Kardashian stood up to object.
Before anyone could say anything a dozen of the fifty or sixty minders they had with them descended en masse on the hapless Dolores to viciously assault her. Nine of them were subsequently hospitalised, though only two were seriously hurt – unless you count a fractured skull as “serious”.
Dolores herself was not unscathed. One of the fasteners on her bra strap was badly damaged – imagine, that was the night she chose to wear a bra! Though she was reluctant to say anything more, as the whole thing’s been handed over to her legal team who are currently preparing what’s likely to be a substantial claim.
It was then that the newly weds made their way to the Gappy G, only to be met with more trouble. After refusing to select from the blades on offer – “not even a Stanley” one of the locals complained – Kanye was then seen quietly refusing the joint he’d been offered. “It messes with my morning Pilates regime”, he sheepishly explained. At which point his bride arrived to join him in the queue.
Sitting astride a bejewelled palomino pony, with ruby-studded hooves and an emerald-encrusted tiara atop its mane, Kardashian herself sported a see-through chiffon gown woven from individually, fair-trade harvested, organic silk worms, over a natural-death leopard skin thong and brassier, with high heel shoes sculpted tastefully by Jeff Koons from a 490.6 carat diamond, mined from the depths of the south Atlantic, and definitely not from South Africa. Or, for that matter, anywhere else in Africa.
“If you’re going to go out and about on the town like, you have to make some kind of an effort. Ya one looks like she’s just fallen out of bed. I wouldn’t let my 9 year old daughter out the house like that, not even to buy her fags.”
“What kind of a wedding do call that anyway?” one of the club’s regulars complained. “She’s not even pregnant!” “Don’t mind that,” her friend said. “Sure they’re not even rela’ed!”
For a full gallery of pics, see pages 2-149.
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